I have felt over the last few years that I have some personal work to do within. I have had this confirmed by several people: a witch, an astrologer, person that communicates with spirit guides, and a woman in California that is just awesome…over the last few years (I think going back to 2014 or 2015). All of them have basically said that I am blocking something, or I have emotional blocks to work through, and that there is heavy emotional stuff within that I need to work through.
I had a Shadow Work reading done (the first one I have ever had done) at the beginning of January. The woman from California did the reading. When I received the reading (via email) I read it immediately, and again, it confirmed what everyone else had said over the last few years, however this was written out in such a way that resonated more than the others. I know that many are skeptical of these “readers” but she has done one or two other readings for me in the past, and honestly they always turn out to be spot on, and specific. Below is a small excerpt from that reading:
“The first card read is focused on your current shadow side or the current “cloud” in your life that is holding you back. This card is focused on an aspect of yourself that you are currently suppressing or not acknowledging in the ways you should. The suppression of the shadow side is never successful. It always surfaces in various areas of our lives in diﬀerent ways. The card drawn for this position was the 10 of Swords. The shadow aspects of the 10 of swords usually revolves around themes of self punishment and a feeling of being separate from others. This card shows the want or need to exist in a place of trauma and hurt within, not allowing yourself to heal. This card, in the shadow highlights a slow healing process after painful life experiences. Do you find it hard to let past pain go or move beyond a place of fear when confronting the painful experiences of your past, especially having to do with your interactions and relationships with others? Do you acknowledge how long it can take you to truly heal? Do you rush any processes in your life to try to suit the needs of others or meet expectations? This card can show that you are stuck in a mental process and place of pain. The card shows a tendency to take on the anxiety and stress of others and even at times be a doormat. Do you ever feel like you’re taken for granted or even abused? This card shows the tendency to find yourself in this position and then deny what you must do to better the situation for yourself.
A week ago, out of the blue, there was an explosion of emotions between myself and people close to me, which left me heart broken, defeated, and confused. They brought up issues very similar to what the reading had mentioned. I went to a park today to try to ground myself and to write a bit, and I realized that all the issues I had “thought” I had successfully overcome years ago, maybe were still very present. Maybe I had written about them, but not processed the emotions I felt, and therefore never really released those hurtful emotions after all. Working on suppressed emotions is not easy, and I am not quite sure how you go about releasing these emotions. Letting it all go is easy to say, but not sure how to physically, or literally let things actually go. I imagine a feeling of peace comes over you when you actually let something go. But not sure how to exactly do it. I keep telling myself that I have let go. But obviously I am holding on to too much and none of it has actually left me.
In my mind, I have come to terms with all the issues in question, and I understand them logically, and I have “accepted” things as they were and as they are. But emotionally, I guess I am still holding on to the pain.