Struggling through what feels like depression is full of feelings of guilt. Feeling like you are a lazy person that doesn’t work as much as everyone else. Feeling that you are wasting your natural talents. Feeling that you are wasting precious time. Feeling guilty because you are physically able to be productive but you are choosing not to be. Every time you see someone that should be allowed to be laying on the couch doing nothing due to their physical issues, yet they are working hard and doing what they must to put food on the table for their family…makes a person going through depression feel like they should be ashamed of being “lazy”, when others can get up and do what they need to do.
It is not easy explaining depression to someone that has never gone through it. Even someone that may know a loved one that suffers with depression, may not understand. Unless you have personally experienced the paralyzing effects of depression, you may not understand. I will go a step further. Even if you have experienced depression, you may be judgmental of others suffering with it once your depression has lifted. I have experienced deep depression multiple times in my life. Thankfully, each time, I have eventually stepped out of the fog. Each time though seems to be more paralyzing and last longer than the last. After therapy, one knows what you can do to help yourself out of the fog. It is a slow process, or maybe it’s a chemical thing and one day you can function again out of the blue. Even having gone through it several times in my life, I honestly don’t know what to think of it.
Sometimes it comes right after a wave of enthusiasm. You were ready to conquer the world and then you wake up one day and it is no longer a world you want to be a part of. You want to stay in your bed or your couch and just sleep or just numb your mind for eternity. I look around at my place and express how grateful I am for my walls and my roof. I love my apartment with all my heart because it keeps me safe and away from a world that I no longer want to participate in. I know this sounds a bit dark, but it’s what i feel when I am in these “depressed” moods. I put it in quotations because I am not sure this is depression all the time. I have questioned it because I think “real” depression perhaps comes with feelings of sadness. My therapists have often asked, what I am sad about. And some of the episodes I have gone through have truly been sad, and I cannot stop crying for days on end. But other episodes are not about sadness. They are not about crying. I don’t feel anything. Literally nothing. No happiness, no sadness, no anger, just a feeling of not wanting to do absolutely anything at all and not feeling absolutely anything.
Over the years, as my spiritual knowledge has grown, I have come across a lot of words that have resonated with me tremendously. Empath. Lightworker. Collective Consciousness. Energies. And I have used Oracle Cards or other methods that I was drawn to, during these episodes to try to find words to explain what I was feeling. Especially when these moods come out of left field and there isn’t anything tangible in my life that could be causing my mood.
Lightworker Oracle by Alana Fairchild is a favorite of mine. I came across this deck within the last couple of years, however these past few weeks the messages have been so consistent and so accurate that I have no doubt it is my angels, ascended masters and other spirit guides along with God/The Universe trying to get messages to me. It is a deck of 44 cards, which I shuffle at least 3-6 times, every time. I cut it in three, or two, each and every time. I choose cards from the top of the cut deck, or by spreading the cards and choosing one that resonates (they all look exactly the same from the back, which is all I see). Yet…during these past few weeks I have pulled either the same card or a complementary card to the one I pull the most. Today, I had to sit and write this post because yet again, I pulled same exact card: #6 Fourth Ray of Harmony
“When the Fourth Ray of Harmony is active in your life, you are approaching spiritual initiation, which creates a whole new person, a new you. Initiation may begin with feeling torn between two choices or realities.”
“If you are experiencing increased negativity, depression, doubt, fear, or emotional instability, this is likely why.”
Food for thought.