Free Writing

Started off the year with consistent writing…but hardly made it 6 months and I stopped. I start and I stop. I have no consistency in anything except the ability to be inconsistent. It baffles me honestly, because my personality is often very anal retentive, so one would think that consistency would be a given. But it feels like I am incapable of being consistent…except, as mentioned, in my inconsistency…because that has definitely been a constant my entire life.

I used to get so excited about certain topics and go all in and that is all I would do for a while, and then just as quickly as it came, the interest would pass. I learned to crochet once, and I was obsessed…recently I found a couple of pieces from those few months of crochet-obsession and wow! I was so impressed with pieces that it honestly took my breath away, mainly because today I have zero idea as to how to even begin to crochet, let alone know how I did those pieces. It’s like I go into a trance for a few months and just produce, produce, produce a certain something, like I need to get it all out of my system. Then one day, randomly, I am just done. And I will likely never do that thing again. And years later when I look back, I don’t even know how I did the things I did, because I no longer know how to even begin whatever project I was so obsessed with once upon a time.

It’s so weird. I never noticed the pattern before, but recently I have become so aware of it that it has affected new interests. I have noticed that I have stopped myself from exploring interests because I somehow know that they will only be temporary. Instead, for most of this year…I have stopped reading and doing projects at all. I have immersed myself in just watching tv and social media. Not posting, but just observing. Not really watching with interest once in a while, but obsessing over certain types of movies or shows. Well, now that I am writing this, it occurs to me, that I am being as obsessive with this as I sometimes am with projects. It’s like I am trying to squeeze knowledge out of Instagram or Television. Like I want to be open to what is out there because I need the universe to talk to me by showing me certain shows or movies with a message I need to hear. It’s not like I obsess over people I know on social media, I obsess over the explore page, where random things pop up. I also obsess on Netflix over the suggestions it gives, but I hate the trending one, that one is what everyone is watching and that does not interest me at all. I am now (literally now…as I am typing this) realizing that I am desperate for answers from the universe and instead of meditating like I did maybe last year or earlier this year to open up communications with my higher self, or the universe, or God…I am looking for answers on TV or on my phone.

Or maybe I am depressed again…or maybe I am an empath full of other people’s feelings and I am a hot mess. I don’t know. But I need to turn off the TV a bit I think. Cannot be healthy. Normally I never watch TV…that’s why I am now realizing this has been my new project. Even though it felt like I was avoiding projects.

Deep in my core, I think I have always known that I was meant to be a writer. I remember how good it felt to write certain papers in english class back in High School. I don’t think I enjoyed writing in College. But I do remember a few personal writings in High School that I read and re-read over and over again. Over the years I have also written some emails or letters to friends that were pretty crazy, now looking back. I also wrote a few chapters for endless books I was going to write. Inconsistency though…ever so present. I think I have about 7+ books started but none have more than a few chapters. And when I started each one, in my head I was so passionate about the topic. But then just as quickly as the urge to write came, it went, and I had said all that book needed for the moment. Years later when I have gone back to read them, I am no longer the person that wrote those entries. I am someone new and I have no opinions over those topics, or I disagree with everything I wrote and everything I was at that time. I used to try to change my writings to fit the new person I am when I re-read them, but that didn’t feel right.

I wonder if everyone changes as much as I seem to. It’s honestly a little exhausting.

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